A Random Google Search Helped Me Discover Who I Am
Or maybe I was simply suffering from a serious case of attention bias
Have you ever been metaphorically hit in the face in a moment you least expect it? Sure you have. Who hasn’t right? Did it hurt or did it somehow drive you to some kind of a breakthrough moment?
One night a few years ago, I was doing some internet research about ethical non-monogamy and non-traditional relationships for a book project I was working on at the time.
So here I was, Googling away while chilling on my bed, pretty much as usual. To be honest, I don’t even remember exactly what is the exact article that brought me to discover my true nature, I just remember at some point reading the words “gender fluid”.
From there, my whole reality shifted 180 degrees.
I looked at my screen in bewilderment. These two words were calling me in a way that I had never experienced before. I diverted from the original purpose of my Googling and entered “gender fluid” in the search bar. I fell on an article on an LGBTQA+ website explaining common terminology. As soon as I read the definition they gave, I thought to myself “Oh my god, this is me! This is how I felt my entire life!”
I grew up in a pretty conservative family. Born AFAB, I never quite accepted the whole package deal of being a woman.
From a very early age, it felt off. I remember wishing to become a boy as a child. From the moment I learned it was possible to “get an operation to change sex”, I started fantasizing about becoming a boy. From the age of 8 to 16, I put every penny of my allowance into a piggy bank, hoping that one day, I could have a “sex change” (I’m putting these words in quotes because I know it’s a simplistic way of describing the process trans people go through, but that’s how I thought about it in my teenage mind).
But when I really thought about it, being a boy didn’t quite resonate with me perfectly either. When I became sexually active, I wondered how it would be like to make love as a man. I asked myself “Would I be gay or would I want to be with women?” I was confused about my sexual orientation. I knew I was primarily attracted to people from the male sex but I was also at…